Driving down the high way all I could taste thick smoke as black as a pupil in a dark room steaming out the chimneys form the ancient factories in the distance. Slowly and sluggishly I found myself becoming closer and closer the smell of smoke lingered throughout my whole body it was like being stuck in a house full smoke on a hot summers day. sweat slipped down my face, at this point I was boiling, I was desperate to take my t-shirt off but the law wouldn't let me.
You have some SPG mistakes in there like after summers day there is a fullstop so for sweat what are you missing? You have great similes and there not short and boring but long..which is really good. You are missing some of the senses, hard to work out which one as it isn't really outlined.
ReplyDeleteOther then that it is a really hocking descriptive writing and I enjoyed reading it.